Dear Pete Doherty,

Today I was flipping channels and stopped when I saw your name pop up on the ticker at the bottom of one of the news stations. I thought it was that incident on the 20th, you know, when you got arrested for possession right after you left the courthouse where you got off without a jail sentence for a previous offense, but no, it was actually yet another arrest for drug-related activities. I just want to ask what are you thinking? At this point, shouldn't you be making a conscious effort avoid holding any illegal substances or, at the very least, to not shoot up when there could be a camera present?
But that, I suppose, is only one point. The other is that you are a rock star. Even in the United States, you are a rock star and your music is rarely, if ever, played on the radio or video channel. It's no wonder that our press has picked up on you, though, because our rock stars are really boring. I mean, there's Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, but Whitney Houston ruined a perfectly good Dolly Parton song and Bobby is just sort of there. There's also Courtney Love, but I'm pretty sure that an entire decade has passed since her last decent album. Lately, though, our rock stars have turned into family guys who marry high school sweethearts, go to church and don't engage in public drunkenness. I even think some of them are Mormon, which means they probably don't even drink coffee or watch Sid & Nancy. That's cool, y'know, live and let live, but when the biggest rock star scandal of late is Pete Wentz's wang ending up online via camera-phone, the whole state of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll is pretty sad.
So, what I'm saying is that, now that even my grandmother has heard of you (well, I can't confirm that, but my mom definitely knows your name), you have a shot of actually having some semblance of a career in the U.S. Look at your ex-girlfriend, Kate. She's racked up a few magazine covers since the coke-photo incident (Vanity Fair, two W covers and I think a few more). Now, Kate kind of has an advantage because she's been cool for years. She's like Anita Pallenberg. She doesn't have to do much of anything except just stand around and look a hell of a lot cooler than the rest of us. She has played her cards right, though. She might guest on a song here and there, but she doesn't release laughable albums like Naomi Campbell. She keeps her mouth shut and, when she does get into trouble, she seems to try to avoid getting into more trouble for a few months. Now, you're music might be too quitessentially British to get popular in the US otherwise, but you have the reputation, so try to clean up the act a bit, get a tour going and maybe you can be the next-big-thing for real out here.